I’m Outta Here!

For the weekend anyway. Shiloh and I are headed to a women’s conference in the Smokey Mountains. We’re going with a group of women from my church and it should be a fun weekend with lots of girl time. We’re staying in a cabin and we’ll have quite a bit of free time between conferences to do whatever we want.

The speaker is supposed to be really good. I just hope Shiloh behaves so I can enjoy the services. If not, we may be out in the hall the whole time. Lol.

I’m really excited. I haven’t been anywhere, except to visit my sister in Georgia, in four years. I know this doesn’t really count as a vacation, but it’s as close as I’ve been in a long time.

I’m the only person actually bringing their child with them, but everyone assured me that it was okay. My mom is working and I have no one else to watch Shiloh. I think it will be fun anyway. She’s good and I think she’ll enjoy it. I’m working half the day today (Thursday) and then we’re leaving. I have tons to do so I’ll catch up with everyone when I get back.

Last night I realized that this is the first birthday that I’ve had since being single (including the two years that I was alone but still technically married) that I haven’t had a “poor me, I’m so lonely” moment. My situation hasn’t really changed, so I guess I have. I think I’m just too busy and focused on other things to care right now. Either way it felt good not to end my birthday in, or almost in, tears. I’m already curious how I’ll handle the big 30 next year?

Happy birthday…

… to me.

I had a good day, other than the fact that I had to work all day. Honestly I didn’t accomplish much anyway. I just wasn’t in a working mood. I had lunch with some friends from church and that made my day special. Shiloh and I spent our evening being lazy and watching So You Think You Can Dance (on dvr). I haven’t touched a school book all day. I’ll work on that tomorrow again.

I’m working on a (mental) list of things I want to do before I turn thirty. It can’t be too complicated, since I only have one year, but I’ll try to post it when I take the time to actually write them down.

Oh, and my family surprised me with a big birthday gift this year. (Which is really unusual. We don’t do very much for birthdays now that we’re all adults.) My dad called me this afternoon and told me that he and my mom, my sister and BIL, and my brother are going in together to buy me a laptop. They thought it would be useful now that I’m back in college. Right now I use my parent’s desktop computer, but it’s not very convenient on weekends when my parents are in town because the computer is in the livingroom. I failed a math quiz last weekend and I totally blame it on the fact that my dad was watching tv while I was trying to do my quiz. I don’t know any of the details about the laptop yet, because my dad likes to compare everything, so he hasn’t decided on one yet. I’ll leave that to him because he knows way more about them than I do.

After writing that last paragraph, I just realized that I’m the only “poor” person in my family now. None of us are rich, but my brother is making pretty good money as a construction superintendent (he just got promoted), my brother-in-law makes good money and my sister does decent too. My dad is also a superintendent and my mother just got her nursing degree a couple years ago. So I’m the only pathetic one. The first born child in me hates that. But at least I’m working on it. Not that I’ll get rich teaching, or eventually as a librarian, but at least I won’t feel like everyone else is supporting me. Right now I can handle the basics, but anything extra is almost impossible. Even the basics aren’t easy, and I don’t pay rent.

Anyway… Didn’t mean to get into all that. Okay, back to my laziness. I think I’ll catch up on Flash Forward now. (Shiloh’s in bed. I wouldn’t watch that one with her awake. It might scare her.) What, did you guys actually think I would use my lazy evening to catch up on sleep? Nah!

A Week’s Worth of Posts

I should really be in bed right now… But I’m not, so I might as well blog about it.

I’ve been extremely busy lately. (Surprise, surprise.) Just the usual: working, being a mom, college, church, family stuff, household chores (sometimes), etc. I’m worn out. Right now I’m to the point that I just don’t feel like I can handle anything else. I’m exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally. But things are all going really well. I just feel scattered.

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Work has been a nightmare. I’m so blessed to have a job right now, but it has become the biggest part of my stress. I work at a car dealership and it can be pretty cut-throat. I’ve been there five years so it’s nothing new. The thing is, it has been better the last couple years. We (meaning the girls in the office) have had it pretty good (except money-wise of course). They (being salesmen and managers) have let us do our job and have mostly left us alone. Well we have a new group now. Another new GM and all his little minions… I mean men.

The GM is good. Arrogant and moody, but that’s normal. Sales have picked up so he’s been good for business. The problem is, he stays on top of all the details and he wants everything to be perfect. Not a problem for our office. We take pride in our work and get the job done even when no one cares. But the fact that he is putting the heat on everyone makes everyone in finance and sales freak out. And point fingers. And blame everything on our office.

One of the finance managers told my manager that I left at noon last Thursday, which was a complete lie. I was there until five (and she believed me). It’s like if they can make us look bad, they’ll be okay. I’ve always gotten my job done, but now I feel like nothing is good enough. No matter how hard I work, I’m going to get blamed for something, even if it has nothing to do with me. I’m so sick of this place. I’m so tired of all the two-faced people. There is no reason for it. It’s much easier if we all work together, but that isn’t going to happen with this group. 

I have to hold onto this job for a couple more years. It’s just hard because I’m constantly on the defensive now, and I have to be ready for anything, but I don’t want to walk around with a bad attitude either. I’m trying to figure out how to protect myself from their lies and still keep my integrity. Because I won’t point fingers, or stoop down to their level. But I’ve taken work home with me almost every night this week (without pay) just to keep ahead of them. I can’t keep doing this. It’s insane!

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On a good note, I made it through midterms! And so far I have an A in all four of my classes. I still have half a semester to go, but there is only one paper in Geography that I’m worrying about, and that’s because I have to rely on someone else in order to get it done (and don’t get me started on it – I’m really stressing about it). If things go okay with that, everything else is manageable as long as I work hard and as long as my head doesn’t explode from all the stress.

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Shiloh sang in a recital for her preschool last weekend. She did so good! I wasn’t sure how she would do in front of so many people, but it didn’t bother her at all. She sang all the songs and did the hand motions. And she played the air guitar when there wasn’t any motions. (My little rock star.) I felt sorry for one of her classmates. She stood there and silently cried the whole time they were on stage. Poor thing. All in all the whole class did really well. They are just three and four year olds.

(Not the best picture, but better than nothing.)

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Shiloh is dancing with her dance class for a town chili cookoff this weekend. It’s really informal, but she’s so excited. Okay… I’m excited too. This will be the first time I get to see her dance. I know they haven’t learned too much yet, but she’s learned a few things. (Oh, and the little girl that cried during the preschool recital is also in her dance class. I feel bad for her already.)

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Shiloh just randomly told me yesterday that she’s going to ask God for a daddy. I think I kind of stumbled over my response. Something like, “That’s nice… uh, well… a daddy? yeah, you can do that… but if it doesn’t happen you can still talk to God about it… you can tell him you’re sad that you don’t have a daddy… but that doesn’t mean for sure you’ll get one… but you have a mommy…” I totally wasn’t prepared for that one.  

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So there’s this guy that someone has been trying to set me up with for like a year. And I kept avoiding being set up. Finally this summer we did start texting a little bit. But it was weird. It’s probably just me, but it was weird…. Anyway, I think I may have scared him off. Not on purpose, but I think one of my texts scared him away. The thing is, I’m almost relieved. Is that bad? I just couldn’t make myself be interested in him. Everytime he texted me it annoyed me. It’s not his fault, I haven’t even met him. Maybe something is wrong with me? Either way, he isn’t texting me anymore and I’m kind of glad. That’s all I’m going to say about that. (People read my blog, you know.)

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Shiloh is almost able to write her name! She’s just barely three, so I think she’s really smart. (I have no idea what age other kids write their names, but I’m just sayin’…) If I write her name in pencil, she can trace over it with a crayon perfectly. I think she could probably write it on her own now too, but I’ll let her get confident with this first.

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Well guys, even though tomorrow (technically today now since it’s 1am) is Friday, I still have a whole day of work to go through. So I better get a few hours of sleep. It’s weird, I’m exhausted, but I don’t want to sleep lately. Worse than usual. No matter how tired I am, I really don’t want to go to bed. No conscious reason for it. Maybe I just feel like I have too much to do? I know I need to take better care of myself, but maybe I’ll work on that next week.

WW: Field Trip

Well, this week is midterms. Which means that I’m halfway through my first semester! It also means I’m too busy to even write this post right now. So… I will hopefully get the chance to write a few real (non-school related) posts sometime after I survive this week. I’m also hoping to visit all of your blogs. I have so much catching up to do! I miss you guys, although I have managed to sporadically visit a few blogs.

For now I’ll leave you with a few pictures from Shiloh’s field trip, with her preschool, to the Pumpkin Patch.

 

Massie (not sure of the spelling) and Shiloh. Shiloh insisted on leaving her sleeve up so she could see the stamp they put on the back of her hand when we paid to get in.

Blakely, Massie, and Shiloh playing in corn.

 

I couldn’t believe that Shiloh wasn’t scared of the scarecrow.

Dallas and Shiloh.

We had a great time at the Pumpkin Patch and Shiloh and I both took a good nap when we left.

For more Wordless Wednesday go here.  For more Wordful Wednesday go here.

More About College

Marja, this is to answer the questions you asked a few weeks ago.

For those that don’t know, I’m currently taking all of my college classes online. That won’t always be the case, because unfortunately some classes aren’t offered online.

The classes I’m taking are through the college that I’m attending, even though they are online. So I’m not just taking classes through some random place I heard about on tv or something. That means I don’t even have to transfer any credits when I actually need to start attending classes, because it’s all through the same school. If I were to go somewhere else, the credits I earn online are transferable, just like anything I do in class.

I don’t have to log in x amount of hours a day, and I don’t have to watch online lectures or anything. I have to log in at least every other day, but they don’t care what time or for how long. Mostly they just give you a list of assignments and due dates and let you do your thing. You can always e-mail them, but for the most part, you don’t really hear much from the instructor except when they are grading your work.

I love the fact that I don’t really have to study for tests, since I can use my book for them, but I think it’s a trade-off. I don’t have to study, but I personally believe there are way more written assignments than when you’re in class. There are tons of papers due every week and essays and online discussions and things like that. Like this last weekend I had a three page paper due in Geography (that required tons of research). An exam due in History (which is mostly essay questions) and I just finished a small (500 word) paper for English. (I feel like I do more writing for Geography and History than I do for English.) Oh, and I had an Algebra exam on Monday. So I feel like I’m still learning a lot and I still have to think. You just have to be very self-motivated to keep up with everything. It’s really easy to not do the work, since you aren’t in class.  

Anyway, there is a little bit about the online thing. If anyone has any other questions about it, just ask.

school, school, and more school

Tonight there really isn’t any rhyme or reason to my post. I’ve been a bad blogger, but I’ve been trying to juggle so many things. So here are a few random things from my life recently… Wow, an hour ago, when I was driving home from a movie, I had twenty different things I wanted to blog about. Now they’re just… gone. Hate when that happens.

School has been going okay so far. It’s a lot of work, but so far I’m keeping up. I feel like I’m always doing everything last minute, but it’s not because I’m not trying. I have so many day to day assignments to keep up with (not to mention being a mom and working full-time), that the bigger projects just keep getting pushed back until they are due and I have to stay up all night working on them. The good news is, so far that hasn’t affected my grades. But midterms are almost here…

Today one of the finance guys was sitting in my office talking and I said something about school. He was like, “You’re going to school too?” (My office manager is also back in school right now, but everyone knows she is, since she had to adjust her hours, but most people don’t know I am.) I told him I was and he asked how many classes I’m taking. When I told him, he looked pretty surprised. He said, “So you’re a single mom, you’re working full-time, and you’re going to school full-time!”

It made me feel good that he was so shocked. It isn’t easy. And it’s nice when other people acknowledge that. (Although if I hear it too much, I might get a big head, so it’s probably good that most people don’t realize I’m in school.)

I think it’s good for me to be dealing with so much right now. It is crazy and sometimes I just want to give up, but it’s really boosting my self-confidence. I’m not trying to brag, because I don’t always handle everything as well as I want to, but five years ago I never would have believed I could handle all of this with the help of a husband. Much less on my own. It reminds me that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. And that I’m not a victim anymore.

Then I see someone that has finished college, and seems to have everything together, and I start comparing myself and I feel like my life is inferior. But I’m learning not to compair. This is where I am and I’m doing the best I can with the resources I have. So the laundry piles up sometimes. And I don’t have time to spend hours making Halloween costumes or whatever all the other mothers are doing. I feel like (most of the time) I’m able to keep up with the important things.

Shiloh doesn’t act like me going to college is affecting her at all. I’m still home with her every evening. I still cook her dinner and read to her. Yesterday we took walk in the park after I picked her up from school. She talked the whole time and kept telling me that exercise was good for our bodies and would make us strong and healthy. (Later she tried to convince me that candy is also good for her body.) 

I see how easy it could be to push Shiloh to the side, since I have so much going on. I think that helps me to focus on time with her. And I still feel guilty sometimes, but I’m doing this for our future. And I’m careful to spend time with her. I’m trying. When she wants to talk, I always give her my attention. Right now it’s mostly about her friends or ABC’s or silly stuff she makes up. But somedays it’s going to be about boys and peer pressure and all those scary growing up things. I want her to know that I’ll listen now, so she will still talk to me ten years from now. That’s my goal. I hope it works.    

So sometimes the house isn’t as clean as I would like. But I’m making time to be a good (I hope) mom. And I’m still able to manage school and work. I think we’re doing okay.

WW: Surprise!

So I wasn’t going to participate today, because I haven’t taken any pictures this week. Then I got ready to sit down and watch Biggest Loser and I saw this:

 

In case you can’t tell, since the lighting is kind of bad, that is my couch with Shiloh’s artwork all over it. And I mean all over it. It’s all over half the couch.

She should be glad she was already asleep when I found it!

So any suggestions? For cleaning supplies or punishment. I have no clue how to get gel ink off a microfiber couch. And I know Shiloh needs some kind of consequence, but what can I do the next day that will mean anything?

And here I was so proud of the fact that she’s three years old and has never colored on the walls. Now I wish it was the wall.

For more Wordless Wednesday go here.  For more Wordful Wednesday go here.

Update (Wednesday morning): 

This morning I pointed to the couch and asked Shiloh if she knew what happened. She said, “I drew on it.” I asked her if she knew that was a no-no and she paused for a minute, but said yes. I told her we don’t draw on anything but furniture, blah, blah, blah.

Then she said, “Actually… maybe we could get a new couch.” I wish.

I made sure she knows to never draw on stuff again. And since this is her first offense, I’m going to leave it at that.

randomness

I think facebook has spoiled me. I noticed today that when I’m reading a blog, and I like something that was said, but I don’t really want to leave a comment, I start looking for a “like” button.

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I’m really starting to stress about Shiloh’s face. The spot on her cheek is only about the size of a quarter, but it’s been there since June. We go back to the dermatologist next week, but I’m not very confident since the last thing they suggested did nothing. 

She’s really self-conscious about her face now too. I never act like it’s a big deal, but people always ask Shiloh about it. I’ve been putting a band-aid on her face whenever we go out but I noticed yesterday that when her band-aid isn’t on and I look at her, she covers her face. Poor baby.

I’m considering letting her go without the band-aid now, since it’s not contagious and there is no scab, just a red circle. But I’m afraid she’ll get even more questions then. I don’t know what is worse, a band-aid or a red circle.I’m so scared the spot will be there forever. And no one even knows what it is or why it’s there.

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I picked up my financial aid check today. (Finally.) Most of it is going to my parents, since they paid for my books and tuition until I could reimburse them, but there is a little bit left. Enough for me to get a haircut and buy some new shoes.

I know that sounds selfish, and I guess it is, but I seriously have a hole in my shoe (and I wear the same pair everyday) and I haven’t had a haircut in three months. My hair is insane right now. (Even more than usual.)

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The more I consider even the idea of dating, the more I think I just want to stay single forever. Marriage I like, oddly enough after my experience, but dating… yuck. I think single is good. I’m comfortable with single most of the time now, or maybe I’m just too busy to care at the moment, but either way, I’m good with it.

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Then again… dating would give me an excuse to ask for a babysitter. 

I’m kidding about the dating part, but seriously guys, I haven’t been out without Shiloh in forever. I used to go shopping with Cat, or to the movies with girlfriends, or to Pred’s games with my sister and BIL, but it’s been so long since I’ve done any of those things. I love Shiloh, but I could really use some (non-work) time away from her.

Like I really think she’s been with me almost everywhere I’ve gone all year. When she was a baby, there was always offers for babysitters (and don’t get me wrong, I was picky about who watched her). But then people get busy, and it’s just me and Shiloh.

I can’t complain too much because my pastor’s family watches her almost every Tuesday evening so I can have alone time. And that’s awesome and very needed. But I use the time to go grocery shopping or do homework. (Also very needed.) It’s just that I can’t go out somewhere on a Tuesday night. But at least it’s some me time.

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I’ll quit complaining. I think I’m just tired of the same daily routine. I want to escape for a little while, but escaping with a three year old is usually more trouble than it’s worth.

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You know, reading back over this, I’m kind of whiny tonight. Sorry. I would spare everyone and just erase it, but it’s my blog so HA! Things are going well for me though. I’m just worn out. But I’m good and looking forward to the weekend.

Ron

I had a very strange day today. Well, more like one incident that made the whole day feel strange. I had a visitor at work.

His name is Ron and I met him ten years ago when we both worked at a restaurant in town. Ron is one of those guys that everyone likes. He’s sweet and always has something nice to say about almost everyone. He’s really laid back and always reminded me of a stoner, except not quite so annoying.

We became friends mostly because he also became friends with my then boyfriend (who is now my ex-husband). Ron and I were never extremely close friends or anything, but my ex and I hung out with him and his girlfriend many times.

Ron was one of the groomsmen in our wedding. Then some time would go by and we wouldn’t see him. Then one of us would run into him in town somewhere and we would all hang out again. He was one of Ed’s friends that I never worried about Ed hanging out with, because he always respected my beliefs and wishes. (And the fact that I had to worry about who my husband hung out with at any time is sad, but not the discussion for tonight.)

After everything happened (five months pregnant and my husband went to jail for things I was completely in the dark about, for those of you that might be new readers), I got tons of phone calls. Friends of Ed’s that we hadn’t talked to in years, all telling me that they were there for me, but mostly just wanting me to say something ease their grief and answer their unasked questions. Ron was one of the ones that called me.

I was in shock at that point and just going through the motions. I don’t remember what I said to Ron, but I kept the conversation short. He told me he was moving to Memphis for law school, but to call him if I needed anything.

It didn’t take me long to stop talking to all of Ed’s friends, coworkers, family, etc. so I never called Ron either. I did see him once at a gas station after Shiloh was born.

So today he comes to my work specifically looking for me. It was really strange because we aren’t that close and I have no clue why he would feel the need to search me out three and a half years later.

The receptionist called my office and told me he was looking for me, so I had a little warning. As soon as he walked in it was, “Hi Beautiful. How are you?” and a big hug. (I’m not a hugger, but with Ron I expect it. He hugs everyone.) We talked for about ten minutes and the whole time it was just so odd. I never did figure out why he was there.

He didn’t know I had divorced Ed, but he seemed to agree with my decision (this was Ed’s friend, remember). He acted upset when he heard that Ed’s family has never offered me any kind of help. (I didn’t offer the information, he asked.) I tried to keep it all on a good note, because I’m not the sad little victim I was three years ago when he saw me last. I told him we were doing really good, but he didn’t look like he believed me.

I remembered to ask him about his kids, but I didn’t ask about his girlfriend because I couldn’t remember her name. (And I was afraid of sticking my foot in my mouth if they aren’t together anymore.) All I remember about her is that she was a tall, thin, moody redhead that was always on a diet. And she had an odd name and I just can’t think of it. I got along with her fine, but we never would have been best friends or anything.

Ron and I swapped numbers (although I’ll never call him) and then he left.

I immediately went to Amy’s (my boss) office and explained to her who he was, because you can hear everything in the offices in our building, and Ron was talking about Ed and stuff and I knew she was probably curious. (I’ve been at my job for five years, so they’ve been through everything with me.) She told me she was fine with him being there, which I knew she would be, but she said she was trying to decide whether she needed to come rescue me or not. She couldn’t tell if it was someone I wanted to talk to, or if he was upsetting me. I thought that was sweet that she was all protective of me. (Amy and I are the same age, both first time moms, both going back to college this year, and we’re more friends that boss and employee.) I told her if Ed’s mom or brother ever show up, she should feel free to rescue me. 

 Anyway, I’ve babbled on way too long about a ten minute conversation that no one probably cares about. I don’t think it was the fact that I saw Ron that was so weird (although I still don’t get why he came looking for me). The part that has me all weirded out is seeing anyone from that time in my life. Ron was there from the time Ed and I first met (we met at the restaurant), to our wedding, and on and off through our marriage. Of course I have some of the same friends that I did from back then, but the difference is that they were there with me through all the drama and the time that has gone by since then. To see someone that knew me before everything, and was better friends with Ed than with me, and then see them now was just… strange.

I’m glad it was Ron at least. I still don’t think I could handle seeing most of Ed’s old friends, or the people that we both worked with at the restaurant. It’s funny how I revert back to the way I felt three and a half years ago, when I was ashamed to walk into church, or my job, or to face anyone I knew, when I think about seeing certain people.