Randomness

Shiloh has been calling me old lately.  As in, “Mom, you need to go take a nap, because you’re OLD.” 

It may be my fault though.  When my mom is in town, I’ll say stuff to Shiloh like, “Nana needs her glasses because she’s old.”  I say it just to tease my mom, but I think it’s backfired on me.

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I think I figured out why I never sleep.  I don’t have a problem sleeping, I have a problem going to bed.  I’ve always just assumed it’s because I’m a night owl.  And I am, but when I was married, I would still go to bed at 10 or 11pm on work nights, because I knew I had to get up.  Now I have a hard time going to bed before 1 or 2am, even when I’m exhausted.

Last night I told myself I had to go to bed.  And I didn’t again.  But I think I know why.  I don’t like the feeling of an empty house (excluding Shiloh of course) at night.  I’m fine when the tv is on, or I’m reading a book, or blogging.  But I get uneasy when it’s just silence. 

I’m not afraid, exactly.  I just don’t like the aloneness.  I guess I need to get used to it.  You would think I would be after three years, but I guess not.

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I took Shiloh to the library for the first time yesterday.  Now don’t give me that look.  I’m not a horrible mother (I don’t think.)  She has tons of books at home and we read together everyday.  I’ve just never actually taken her to the public library.  She enjoyed picking out some books, so we’ll have to go more often. 

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I got lost yesterday.  In the small town that I’ve lived in for fourteen years.  Yes, it’s sad, but I really did get lost.  I thought if I kept driving, I would see something I knew.  I didn’t.  I ended up in another town (I was in the same county at least) and I had to call my sister to tell me how to get home from there. 

I was laughing so hard on the phone that I could hardly tell her where I was.  I know it’s ridiculous to get lost in a tiny town, but somehow I managed to do it.  I swear I’m not as dumb as I sound!  I just have no sense of direction.  I never have.  Most people could logically figure out at least a direction to head in.  Not me.  It’s sad really. 

If anyone wants to donate to my GPS fund….

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Shiloh has been asking me where her brother is lately.  And she gets upset when I tell her she doesn’t have one.  It’s kind of funny.  Where does she come up with this stuff?

Sometimes I wonder what the daycare must think.  First her name was Emily.  Then she had invisible mini sheep (they still show up now and then).  Now she has a brother.  What next?

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I think I twittered about it earlier in the week, but I’ll repeat myself anyway.  Things have been bad in the car industry lately.  Very sloooooow.  Probably worse at the dealership I’m at because we’re in a small town and we sell GM and Ford.

On Monday my office manager (and friend – we’re the same age and have worked together five years) had to lay off the receptionist.  It wasn’t her choice, but she had to be the one to do it.  It was sad because Tammy has worked here for fifteen years.  Unfortunately she was the best option, because we (the three of us in the office) can do our work and pick up the phones.

The owner also wanted to cut everyone’s pay and Amy told him that it was insulting to cut our pay when we’ve worked here for five years (not to mention, we don’t make that much).  She suggested that he cut our hours instead and he agreed to try it.

It’s not the ideal situation.  Money is already tight, and now it will be tighter.  But I have a job.  And I’m so thankful that we get a day off every week instead of working the same hours for less pay.  That would be insulting.

From what I’ve heard, there will be other changes happening around here.  I don’t know if more people will be laid off, or more pay cuts, or what.  One more reason to go to school and actually have some hope for the future.

I just got my last full paycheck.  Too many bills to go shopping, but I think we’ll splurge on pizza for dinner.  I’ll have to be more careful with money from now on.     

WW: The 4th

I hope everyone had a good holiday weekend.  I had Friday off and it was so nice to have a three day weekend!

My cousin’s first baby was born Friday morning.

This is Michael and baby Michael Aiden.  It’s hard to believe my (little) cousin is a daddy.  (We used to call him “Little Michael”.)

Friday evening Shiloh and I went out to Tiffany’s house and Shiloh and Kayden played.

(From top left):  
* Shiloh playing on the swingset. 
* Me and Shiloh (I hate pictures!). 
* Shiloh and Kayden watching fireworks.  (We set off some small ones for them.) 
* Shiloh with a sparkler.

On Saturday (the 4th) we went to our local park.  They had different festivities for the holiday, including some local bands that my church was in charge of organizing.

* Shiloh and Isaac sliding together.  (I thought it was so cute that he held her hand.  He’s like her big brother.) 
* Shiloh, Violet, and Jadyn. 
* Shiloh and Michael (my brother) watching fireworks. 
* Shiloh and Isaac watching the band play.  (I know it’s hard to see, but it’s the best picture I had of them standing up there.  They were so funny.  They had to stand right up next to the stage.)

For more Wordless Wednesday go here.  For more Wordful Wednesday go here.

I’m Still Here!

Pisceshanna and Anonmom both tagged me for this meme.  Maybe it’s just the kick in the butt I need to get back into the blogging thing.  (I don’t know what my deal is lately.)  So here goes… 

1. What is your current obsession?  So You Think You Can Dance?  Love that show.

2. What is your weirdest obsession?  Hmmm… it’s sad but I can’t think of anything at the moment.  I wouldn’t call it an obsession, but I don’t like my food to touch.  Does that count? 

3. Recall a fond childhood memory?  Walking on the beach in Washington and jumping over geoduck (pronounced “gooey duck”) holes.  (They squirt water at you when you step over them.)  Also hiking in the woods, innertubing down mountains…  I miss Washington now! 

 4. What’s for dinner?  Well… it’s 11pm right now, but I’ll be honest and tell you I had Fruity Pebbles for dinner.  The plan for tomorrow (Monday) is whole wheat spaghetti.

 5. What would you eat for your last meal?  Probably pizza and ice cream.  Simple comfort foods.

6. What’s the last thing you bought?  A tank of gas.  Very exciting. 

7. What are you listening to right now?  Silence.  Shiloh’s in bed and I’m alone.  The tv is on but I have it muted.

8. What do you think of the person who tagged you?  Pisceshanna and Anonmom are two of my favorite single mom bloggers.  Both are real and just tell it like it is.  Pisceshanna found my blog about a year ago, not long after I started blogging.  And she is probably the main person that helped me discover the whole community of single mom bloggers.  If it wasn’t for her I would probably still have two readers and maybe be following four or five blogs.

9. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished, anywhere in the world, where would it be?  Sad to admit, but it would probably be right here in Tennessee.  I’m not a huge fan of the state, but I’ve been here fourteen years and all my friends and most of my family are close.  If I wasn’t considering where my friends and family live, I would say Washington.  Somewhere outside of Seattle.  I have yet to see a more beautiful state and I’ve been to quite a few. 

10. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?  I’ve always wanted to go to Italy, but if I only had an hour, I’m thinking the beach.  A secluded tropical beach somewhere where I could just enjoy the view and the quiet.  I love sitting on the beach at night.

11. Which language do you want to learn?  Italian, although I probably need to learn Spanish.  I would use it more.

12. What’s your favorite quote (for now)?  I love quotes, so my favorites are always changing, but at the moment it’s:  “I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.”  — Audrey Hepburn

13.What is your favorite color?  The stormy blue-gray color of the sky and water on the Puget Sound on a drizzly morning.  Most people find that depressing, but it feels like home to me. 

14. What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?  My wardrobe has been pretty sad the last few years.  (I actually had a guy at work tell me that he could predict what I was going to wear everyday.)  Lack of money, lack of exercise (which means I’m trying to hide in too-big clothes).  I don’t think I have a favorite piece of clothing right now.  I have a really cute gray sweater dress, but I won’t wear it again until I lose another ten to fifteen pounds.  Maybe this winter I can dig it out.

15. What is your dream job?  Writer/stay at home mom/teacher/librarian.  Depends on the day.

16.What’s your favorite magazine?  Parenting or Women’s Health. 

17. If you had $100 now, what would you spend it on?  Groceries or my cell phone bill.  I’m kind of broke this week.  Trying to make it until Friday… (and praying my phone doesn’t get turned off).

18. Describe your personal style?  Style?  What style?  Usually casual, comfortable.  Jeans and t-shirts.  Converses or Airwalks.  If I have the money I like clothes from The Gap or other places with clean, simple clothes.  (But not the ultra preppy ones.)  I wear alot of gray and black. 

19. What are you going to do after this?  Hopefully go to bed.  Why am I still awake?

20.What are your favorite films?  My Fair Lady, The Notebook, Love Actually (tv version)…  I know I like some non-girlie movies, but I can’t think of any right now. 

21. What’s your favorite fruit?  Oranges.

22.What inspires you?  Life, books, music, rain, midnight (which is why I’m a night owl), poetry, God, beauty, sadness, love, Shiloh…

 23. Your favorite books?  Wuthering Heights is probably one of my all time favorites.  Also The Giver.  There are so many good books out there, and it’s impossible to name them all, but these are two that I always have to mention.   

24. Do you collect anything?  I used to collect poetry when I was a kid.  Not books of poetry, because I was a child and couldn’t afford them.  I would check out poetry books from the library and write any poems I liked in a notebook.  I think I still have two notebooks full of poetry.  But I haven’t added anything in years.

25. Any advice that’s come from bitter experience?  Where to start?  I could say so much…  I’ll keep it simple.  Value yourself enough to stand up for what you believe in.  Don’t try to be someone you’re not.  Give yourself and others room to make mistakes, because we all do.  No one else can make you happy, it’s something you have to decide to be.  Don’t focus so much on a future goal that you forget to enjoy the journey. 

26. What makes you follow a blog?  Realness.  Honesty.  Not that they have to share every secret part of their life, but I don’t like reading fake, generic blogs.  Just be real.  Be who you are. 

I know this meme has already made it around the blogosphere, so I’m just going to tag anyone that hasn’t participated that wants to.  Leave me a comment and let me know you’re playing along.

WW: Saturday

Last weekend it was just me and Shiloh at the house.  We spent most of the morning being lazy. 

 

Then Shiloh helped me wash my car. 

 

In the afternoon we went to my cousin’s house and the girls played.  This is Ashlynn and Shiloh walking down to the lake.

For more Wordless Wednesday go here.  For more Wordful Wednesday go here.

Checking In

Just a quick post so I can check this off my mental to-do list.  I’ve been busy lately and I’m way behind on my blog reading and writing.  Work is crazy because of the short week (hooray for three day weekends!) and I’ve been busy at home trying to figure out a new computer program for the church.  Anyway… just busy.

I’ll be back soon.  I have two memes waiting on me and probably 300 new blog posts in my Reader.  (I’ve been too scared to even check.)  Hope everyone’s having a great week.

Oh, and I’m still pursuing the college thing.  Thank you guys for all the encouragement.  I sent in my application and I have an appointment with an adviser next month.  Some mornings I wake up and wonder ‘What am I thinking?’ but it feels good to be doing something.  I try not to overwhelm myself with everything I’m going to have to do in the next several years.  One step at a time, right?

It’s Official – I’m Insane

Yes, I need a straight jacket and a padded room.  I’m busy.  Life is so crazy and hectic and stressful at times.  And yet I’m thinking of adding more responsibilities, more stress, and more busy to it.  What am I thinking?!  Am I stupid?

I’m considering going back to school.  I’ve toyed with the idea before, but I didn’t know what direction to take.  I always said I needed something I could finish in two years or less, because I can’t handle more than that with my current situation.

hahahahahaha

So I found a direction.  Buuuuutttttt… it would take six years to get the degree I need.  SIX YEARS!  I should stop right there and look for something else, but instead I’m still considering it.  I know six years isn’t that long, but I’m a single working mom.  That makes it a long time.  Shiloh would be nine before I got out of school! 

I want to become a librarian.  Okay, you can stop laughing now.  I know it sounds dorky, but I’ve never claimed to be anything but a nerd. 

Think about it.  I could work in an elementary school.  I wouldn’t have to deal with the same kids all day, like the teachers do, and I wouldn’t have to talk to the parents.  But I could have a hand in instilling a love of reading in children while they’re still young enough to be open to it.  And the hours would be ideal because I could have holidays and summers off with Shiloh. 

Ultimately I want to do this for Shiloh, so she doesn’t have to spend her summers in childcare, and so I have the money to support her.  But I still feel guilty considering it, because I would be so busy for the next six years.  I already feel like I don’t have the time with her that she deserves. 

I would still have to work full time, but I’m pretty sure I could do most of the work for my associates degree online.  It won’t be easy, but at least I could work after Shiloh went to bed.  Then I would have to transfer schools and get my teaching degree.  I don’t know how much of that could be done online, but some of it probably can be.  At that point, I could actually teach elementary school and the librarian program is completely online (through a nearby university – not some shady infomercial thing) and I could be making decent money while finishing my degree.

It’s alot to think about and I know it would take so much work and determination.  But if I break it down into smaller pieces, it seems doable.  I don’t want to be sitting here six years from now, wishing I had done something.  Better to try and fail even, right?  I just don’t want to fail Shiloh.  That’s my fear, that I won’t be a good mother because of everything else.  I’ll have to be careful about that.

So, nothing set in stone yet, but I’m going to check into online classes, financial aid, and what tests I have to take since I haven’t been in school for ten years.  What am I getting myself into?

Ghost of Boyfriends Past

I think God has a sense of humor.  How else can you explain the fact that I just happen to run into my ex-boyfriend at the social security office (I was there to get mine and Shiloh’s last names changed), when there is a long wait and I can’t escape with a quick hi?  Now this could be interpretted as God having a cruel sense of humor, but that’s not how I mean it.  I found it extremely funny.  I have no feelings, good or bad, for him.  It’s been ten years since we split up.  I’ve changed so much since then. 

It was really weird though.  Jamie and I dated for about two years, from the time I was sixteen, until I turned eighteen.  (He was five years older than me, if I remember correctly.)  He was my first boyfriend and the only other guy I dated, except for my ex-husband.  (And if you’re thinking that I must have horrible insticts when it comes to men, you’re right, and that’s why I’m still not dating now.  Look at my track record.)  He treated me terribly back then, but I let him so I don’t hold a grudge now.  I was young, and insecure, and he made me think that no one else would ever want me.  I believed him.

Now I look at him and realize how awesome my life is.  I talked to him and his cousin, Jason, for at least thirty minutes.  About our families and old friends.  It only took a minute to see that he’s still the same Jamie.  He started complaining about everything.  That was a big problem with him.  He was never happy and it was always someone else’s fault.  He couldn’t take responsibility for himself and he was extremely negative.  The funny thing is, Jamie was going on and on about his problems and I was trying to be kind and sympathize, and Jason looked at me and gave a little wink.  Kind of a ‘yeah, same old thing’ wink.  It almost made me laugh.

I left the social security office feeling good about myself.  Not good because my life is better than his, and I’ve won in some way.  By most people’s standards, his life is better than mine.  He has a wife and three kids.  I’m a single mom.  But I felt good because I was reminded that I’m not who I used to be.  That no matter my circumstances, I’m stronger than I used to be.  I might worry about dating someone like my ex-husband again, because he was deceptive and I didn’t know who he really was, but I’ll never worry about being with someone like Jamie again.  I’m smarter than that now.  Any man that thinks they need me in order to be happy, or a certain job to be happy, or whatever to be happy isn’t worth it to me.  If they can’t learn to be happy on their own, I seriously doubt they’ll ever get there.  And I would have no use for a man that talks to me the way Jamie used to.  The old (and possibly current) Jamie and the “new” me would probably kill each other. 

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As if that wasn’t enough “ghosts” for one day, I just went out and checked the mail, and there was a letter from my ex-husband, Ed. I never received a letter from him after he was served the papers for the termination, so I was hoping that I wouldn’t hear from him again.  Should have known he wouldn’t let that happen. 

Oh, did I mention it was a TEN PAGE letter?! 

I almost chose not to read it tonight, so I wouldn’t ruin my evening, but I was too curious.  Pretty much it was him laying a big guilt trip on me.  How shocked he was when I divorced him, because he never thought I would do that.  (And how God doesn’t condone it.)  How wrong of me it is to take Shiloh away from him.  (Even though he’s in prison, and how wrong would it be for her to be exposed to that situation all the time?)  And then he told me that if I ever find someone else, I should do the guy a favor and never make any promises to him, because all men are human and I obviously can’t keep the promises I make since I divorced him for one (haha) mistake. 

To most of you, this might seem like an easy letter to write off as nothing.  But he knows that I’m good at feeling guilty.  And he worded everything in such a way as to make himself sound like the kind one who was forgiving me.  And maybe that’s what he believes, I don’t know.  I just know it did make me feel guilty.  It made me question my decisions.  Not because I still have feelings for him – I don’t - but because I worry if everything I did was out of selfish reasons, or pure ones? 

I prayed for two years before I divorced him.  I struggled with it because I don’t like divorce.  But I made the decision to go through with it for mine and Shiloh’s sake, and I felt like it was God’s Will (for this situation) also.  Was I wrong?  Should I have played martyr and stayed married to a man that I not only didn’t love, but couldn’t trust?  I don’t know…  I still feel like I did the right thing, not just for me (it’s not like I’m even dating), but also for Shiloh. 

But now that doubt is there.  I’m not so worried about what Ed thinks, but I want to be right before God.  I don’t want to do what I want to do, and then call it God’s Will.  I don’t think that’s what I did, but now I’m not sure…    

 

My “Four Day Weekend”

Hi guys!  I’m still here.  What a weekend! 

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I went to court Friday to terminate my ex’s parental rights, and to change both mine and Shiloh’s last names to my maiden name.  It was mostly long and boring because I had to wait about two hours for my turn.  The judge kept pushing my case back.  I think it’s because it was unusual and he wanted time to look over it more.

He called a “five minute recess” that ended up lasting twenty-five minutes (I timed it).  Right after that he called my name, so I think he was looking over the case.  It was the same guy that I saw a year ago for my divorce.  He seems pretty fair and kind, from what I’ve observed the two times I’ve been there.

I was afraid he wasn’t going to allow the termination because he hesitated and asked me if I understood how unusual my request was and that the law doesn’t like terminating a parent’s rights without an adoption.  I told him I did and he thought about it for a minute and then said he’d allow it because of the circumstances.  I was so relieved!  So it’s done now.

I spent Friday afternoon running to banks to change my name and close a couple accounts I don’t use anymore.  By the time I had done that, it was time to pick up Shiloh.  So I still have more places to change my name (driver’s license, SS card, etc.), but I’m halfway there.

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Stayed home Friday evening and Shiloh woke up at 9pm throwing up.  The poor thing couldn’t stop throwing up.  She would say, “I gonna grow up again.” so at least I had some warning.  (And I admit to laughing when she told me she was “growing up.”) 

It was after 1:30am before she had it under control and went back to sleep.  I let her sleep in my bed because I couldn’t stand the thought of her being by herself.  (I put a bunch of towels under her and I have a really thick mattress pad.)

She woke up again about 3am throwing up.  I was able to get her back to sleep about 4:30am and I think she may have slept until 6am.  I had a hair appointment at 9am, and my parents were in town, so they told me to go even though Shiloh was sick.  She wasn’t throwing up anymore and kept telling me she felt better, so I went.

Shiloh did good all day Saturday, but she ran a low fever and I could tell she didn’t feel well.  I had planned on going to a concert that evening, but I felt guilty leaving Shiloh, so I cancelled.

Shiloh was back to normal on Sunday, but she stayed home with my mom while I went to church, just in case.

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I woke up sick on Sunday night.  Obviously the same thing Shiloh had.  I threw up for a few hours (I almost never throw up) and then slept for awhile.  I think I could have slept the rest of the night, except Shiloh woke up and I had to check on her.  Anytime I stood up I got nauseous again, so that wasn’t much fun. 

I managed to drag myself out of bed long enough on Monday morning to call in to work and get Shiloh ready for preschool.  I willed myself not to throw up and made it to the preschool and back home to the couch.  I snoozed all morning and read and watched tv all afternoon. 

By the time I had to pick Shiloh up I was feeling much better except for a headache.  I explained to Shiloh that Mommy was sick and she could play quietly.  She did really good.  And every now and then she would give me a hug and say, “It’s okay Mommy.” 

She had instant oatmeal for dinner (all I could manage) and had a quick bath.  She was so good while I was sick.  I couldn’t have asked for her to be any better. 

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I was back at work today, ran more errands at lunch, and went grocery shopping this evening.  Back to the normal routine.  I’m surprised how quickly I can go from feeling like death to feeling okay.  This evening I felt good enough to exercise.  I was just going to do a thirty minutes of easy cardio, but I thought, why not really work.  So I did Jillian’s 30 Day Shred and got through the whole thing.  I feel good.

Now laundry is calling me… 

* Oh, and so much for taking a vacation day for myself to catch up on stuff.  (I was planning on taking a day sometime this week.  Had to use it for my sick day.  *sigh*  Can’t seem to get a “me day” unless I’m sick on the couch.

WW: Our Saturday

Here is our Saturday in pictures.  (Except for the part where I didn’t get out of my pjs until 11am.)

This is Shiloh’s new sandbox that my parents bought for her.

    

This isn’t our swing set (I wish).  In the afternoon we went over to my friend Tiffany’s house and Shiloh and Kayden played in his backyard.

And she got to drive the jeep.  (It really runs on a battery.)  Either me or Tiffany had to be close by to turn the wheel because neither one of them has figured that out yet.  (I would be close anyway.  I’m paranoid like that.)  Shiloh got mad at me and tried to push my hands away everytime I would turn the wheel for her.  Miss Independent!

For more Wordless Wednesday go here.  For more Wordful Wednesday go here.

Weekend Highlights

• Spent Friday evening organizing my closet and watching Pride & Prejudice.  (I’m such a party animal!)  I love that movie.  What is it about a those Mr. Darcy types?  You would think a negative, moody, standoffish guy would be a turnoff.  I think it’s a woman thing.  (And possibly the reason I don’t trust myself to choose nice guys.) 
• Saturday morning was lazy and quiet.  Shiloh and I went outside and colored with sidewalk chalk and played in her sandbox.  I had planned on reading while she played, but she said, “I thought you want to play, Mama?”  So I ended up building sandcastles with her.
• We both took a nap after lunch and then went to a friend’s house so Shiloh could play with her little boy.  They played outside on his swing set and in his jeep.  (Pictures later probably.)
• After dinner, Tiffany put Kayden to bed and Shiloh snuggled down on the floor and went to sleep.  Tiffany and I watched She’s Just Not That Into You.
• Sunday was church and lunch at the usual Mexican restaurant.  Our lunch lasted until dinner time.  We should have just ate another meal there.  I think we were there for about three and a half hours.  It was cool just to talk with friends though.  (Shiloh fell asleep in my lap.)
• I got to hold a two week old baby.  She was so tiny!  I miss that.
• Oh, and that slightly awkward situation that I hinted about the other day.  Still awkward.  My sister says it’s in my head, but I don’t think so.  Problem is, I could have made it less weird this weekend, but I missed my opportunity.  So this week, that’s my goal.  If only I was outgoing and not so… well… awkward.  I’m going to see how many times I can use the word awkward in this awkward post.)