This is kind of an odd subject for my first blog ever but that’s okay, I think. No one is reading my blog right now, anyway. I went through a bunch of pictures of my life before Shiloh, tonight. That means most of them were pictures of my almost-ex-husband. I also found a box of letters that he wrote to me after he was arrested. (Long story for another day. I’ll just say that he was arrested when I was about 4 months pregnant, so he hasn’t been around Shiloh at all.) We were married almost 6 years before everything happened, so I have tons of pictures of us on vacation, etc… I didn’t even read the letters, I just threw them away. I went through all of the pictures, because I wanted to pull out some of me without him. (I even cut him out of a couple good ones.) It’s weird, because I didn’t feel emotional or even a little sad. The only depressing thing for me was the fact that I was so thin back then. I definitely need to lose some weight. I saved the pictures of him, just in case Shiloh wants to see them someday, but I’m going to store them out in the shed for now. It actually felt liberating to box everything up and know that those memories aren’t sitting in my closet waiting for me.
So, here’s my question: Does my lack of emotion mean I’ve healed now (it’s been two years) or does it just mean that I’m not dealing with my emotions and I’m more screwed up than ever? Hmmm… I would like to think it means I’m completely healed, but it’s hard for me to be objective. I know I don’t have any feelings for him anymore (Okay, when I looked at one or two of the pictures, I thought “you jerk” but other than that they didn’t bother me.), so I think that’s progress anyway.
2 Comments
May 13, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Jennifer,
I’m proud of you. Happy Mother’s Day (late). You still amaze Hol and me.
Found this through my blog stats, which doesn’t come up for all to see, just on my personal dashboard. Hope it’s ok that I comment. I believe that you are healed, and are being healed; just like all of us.
My hope is that several in our church will begin to share their daily story through this and other formats. I think that it will help us all grow, both personally and in community. Eventually, we will link to everyone’s blog. I’ll wait for permission on that one. For now just know that this a great first post, and I look forward to many more to come. Let me know when you are comfortable enough to be a part of an upcoming “Gateway Bloggers” list.
Oh, and Brooke told us about your Mother’s Day Project with the nursery kids. She loved it!
May 13, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Of course I don’t mind you leaving a comment. I didn’t expect any visitors so soon, but I don’t mind. It’s a public blog, so I never know who might stumble upon it. If you start a Gateway Blog list, you can put me on it if you want. It may not be the most interesting reading, but they can read if they want to.
I’m glad people liked the nursery project. I was trying to come up with something nice for the moms that the kids would enjoy. I actually already have a picture and everything for Isaac, so if he wants to make one for Holly, it wouldn’t take long. I’ll let him decide Wednesday.