* I originally wrote this back in February as the second part to this post. For some reason, I just never published this second half. I’m posting it tonight because I need to post something, and I don’t have much of interest to say. Plus I don’t want to waste my quiet Sunday evening (Shiloh fell asleep at 6pm) writing. I’ve tweaked a few things, but for the most part, this post is the same as when I wrote it almost two months ago.
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If you read my blog much, you probably already know that I analyze things way too much. That being said, here are a few random reasons that I’m not “looking” for someone. I’m sure I could think of many more, but I’m just going to name a few off the top of my head.
- My age. I know, I know. I’m still young, blah blah blah. But, think about the men in my age group. They’re old enough that I wonder either, ‘why are you divorced?’ or ‘why are you __ years old and never married?’ They can’t win either way. I’m not saying that there aren’t perfectly nice, decent divorced men or bachelors out there, but honestly, what are my chances of finding one?
- All the single mom bloggers are going to hate me for saying this, but I have to be honest. If I were a guy, I wouldn’t want to date me. I’m not saying it’s bad to date a single mom - just me. I’m a single mom with an ex-husband in prison. I live paycheck to paycheck. I drive a crappy car. I live with my parents (in their house anyway). I have low self-esteem. And I have trust issues. Does that sound appealing to you?
- Shiloh’s already looking for a “daddy” and I don’t want her to become too attached to the wrong person. She talks about “daddy” all the time. (Thank God she isn’t calling strange men “daddy” anymore. That got embarrassing.) Some (most?) single mothers don’t have to worry about their kids seeing someone as daddy because they have a dad that’s in their lives, even if it’s only every other weekend. Shiloh doesn’t know her dad at all. If I were to ever marry again, Shiloh is going to see that guy as her daddy. I know she would, even without any encouragement from me. And besides the fact that it would be hard for me to think anyone is good enough for that role in her life, who really wants to step in and fill a role like that? If I were a man I wouldn’t.
- I don’t trust myself. I’ve had friends tell me that I have good instincts about people, and I think I do, except when it comes to relationships. I don’t know if I could see the difference between a nice guy and a guy with really big problems (just look at my past relationships) and I have more to worry about than just myself this time around. Is it worth the risk?
- Time. I don’t have enough time for Shiloh as it is. I feel guilty for being away from her all week while I work, but I don’t have a choice. I don’t think I could find time for a boyfriend. In my past experience, boyfriends expect to be with you all. the. time. I can’t do that. I have bigger responsibilities. Now I admit that I have some free time, especially weekends when my parents are in town and Shiloh’s in bed. Sure I love to go hang out with friends if they are available, but “boyfriends” just seem to require more time than that. As much as I need some time away from Shiloh, I still need to spend a big part of my free time with her.
I could come up with more reasons, but I’m going to stop myself. I think I’ve proved my point (or at least showed everyone how nerotic I really am).
I know some of you are wondering if I could come up with reasons to be in a relationship. Of course I could. There are good things about them, but at this point for me, the bad outweighs the good. At least in my mind it does. Anything good I can think of, I could add a “but” at the end of it and tell you why it wouldn’t work. So then I wonder, is it that I don’t want a relationship, or am I just scared of the unknown and I’m protecting myself from hurt? I honestly can’t answer that question right now. I know I’m not ready to find someone, but I don’t know exactly why.
I’m not ready to rule out ever getting remarried. I admit that there is a small part of me that still wants to every now and then. But for the most part I can’t see it happening. I don’t know if I just need to learn to trust more or if my reasons really are valid. I know that if it happens, it will probably be a God thing. I think I’m way too paranoid to get into another relationship unless God makes it happen.
This is what I usually say to God when I’m talking to Him about the future. And it’s not something I pray about, or even think about, all the time, but I do sometimes, and I talk to God about whatever is on my mind. I don’t ever pray for a husband, because I don’t even know if I want one. I just tell God that I don’t know what He has planned for my future. I don’t know if He has someone that would be perfect for me. So I ask Him, if He does have someone for me, to please not let me scare them away with my insecurities and fears. I ask that He would help me not to analyze them too much or avoid them if it’s someone that He has for me.
And I also ask that He would help me not fall for the wrong guy. That I would not be so blinded by infatuation that I end up with someone that is wrong for me. Because that’s something I worry about too. I haven’t been in a relationship in three years. I don’t want to end up with someone just because they are charming and say all the right things.
Then I ask God to help me to get past all my baggage. And that, if I’m supposed to remarry, that He would help me to trust again. And, if I’m supposed to be alone the rest of my life, that He would help me to be okay with that and not spend my life looking for someone that isn’t there.
I don’t know how to end this now. I’m afraid there are way too many “what-if’s” that I could come up with. Here’s a really cool quote that I read. I don’t know who to give credit to, so I’ll just point you back to the blog where I found it.
“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.”
17 Comments
April 19, 2009 at 8:02 pm
It is overwhelming, isn’t it? Contemplating dating? I have a lot that I have not yet revealed on my blog, but I think it will all start spilling out soon. I’m not sure how other single parents do it, really…because I feel exactly the same way that you do…even if all the ducks lined up just right, how in the world is there time to invest in a relationship when chasing a toddler? It’s exhausting. I’m at a cross road right now (part of the unveiling that will happen soon) and really…its all gonna have to be God. Cuz I just don’t have it in me anymore. And that’s okay. I trust God’s judgment.
God’s timing is always perefect, too. Regardless of what it looks like from our worldly viewpoint. Time is not a relevant factor for Him. Why do we insist on making it so? There are so many things about our human condition I don’t understand. (I also think about way too much and analyze everything. We should chat sometime…maybe we could get the world figured out) :O)
April 20, 2009 at 8:34 am
Wow! I love that quote.
) It’s a good one.
p
I just wanted to remind you that Neal was 28 when I married him and Chad was a month away from being 30 when him and Faith got married and they’ve both turned out to be good ones. So point #1 is invalid!
April 20, 2009 at 10:29 am
You’re doing what’s right for YOU. And that in and of itself is admirable!!
April 20, 2009 at 12:41 pm
I would totally agree with you on how hard it is to find a guy. Being a single girl with no children, I still haven’t found the right guy for me. But, like you, I don’t want to try and force it or get swept away by infatuation and not see the guy for who he really is. I’ve been there and don’t want to do it again. I will also say I agree with you about the time thing. I really don’t know when I would squeeze a boyfriend in right now.
As for dating a single parent, I’m all for it if it’s the right thing for both me and the guy I’m getting involved with. That’s not to say it wouldn’t be challenging and a huge adjustment, but I really believe if it were right then we would find a way.
I will also say that we all have baggage of some kind and that there are lots of guys out there who would be blessed and lucky to have you. You have the things that matter most; you’re a good person, a great mom, and you have faith. Where you live or what you drive don’t matter and if they matter then the guy just isn’t worth it.
I also think it’s awesome that you are doing what’s best for you and not letting others influence how you feel on this subject. What matters most is that you’re happy with yourself and your life, the rest will happen in good time.
Awesome post Jen!!
April 20, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Thanks JL. You’re very sweet.
April 20, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Well, of course =) I forgot to finish commenting too. Hehe..as you can tell from my next comment.
April 20, 2009 at 12:55 pm
I also want to say that I really admire all of you single mamas out there. You guys seriously amaze me in all that you do. After reading this post, I gained even more respect for the complexities of your lives. You are all amazing!
April 20, 2009 at 2:29 pm
We have that overthinking thing in common. It’s the big joke among my friends.
The truth is there are all kinds of reasons we shouldn’t be dating and all kinds of reasons we should. I think your thoughts right now may just be self preservation (I used to have much the same thoughts) and there is nothing wrong with not dating.
Just know that eventually, if God is ready for you to start dating and find a new husband/ father for Shiloh, be open to it. And all those excuses you have now won’t matter. When it’s the right guy he’ll love you for the woman you are. The most important thing in my opinion is being the woman you want to be – because that is the person you want a “good guy” to fall in love with.
April 20, 2009 at 3:13 pm
[...] I read this great post by Jenn where she lists all the reasons she isn’t dating. As I read the list I was nodding my head in [...]
April 20, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I don’t hate YOU, I just hate that our culture makes that sort of attitude (bullet pt #2) acceptable. Still, I find nothing wrong with not dating. Just wrote about it for Examiner, actually: http://www.examiner.com/x-6535-LA-Single-Parenting-Examiner~y2009m4d16-Embracing-the-single-status
April 20, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Yup. I haven’t had a real relationship with a man since my daughter’s father left us. For all those same reasons. I’ve indulged in male attention when the opportunity arises, but nothing that would take more time away from my daughter.
Now that she’s getting older, and more independent, I don’t feel so guilty for doing more adult activities on my own. I think the happier I am, the better mom I am.
Maybe one day I will actually let myself have a real relationship. I think I’m getting close. I used to think “why would anyone want to date a single mom?” but now that I’ve actually seen guys who ARE interested, that’s a huge confidence boost.
April 20, 2009 at 6:57 pm
I love that quote! I’ve read it before somewhere and it’s always blessed me. I also love the way you pray about this topic. It’s so true that it’s not so much about making room for a man but making room for God’s plan that will bring forth His best for us and our little ones.
April 21, 2009 at 11:15 am
It’s so interesting to me how the steps in single-mommyhood are so similar. I feel like I was where you are 5 years ago. My ex-husband and I have been separated for about 6 or 7 years ( I try not to remember) and when I first met my current husband I was all about dating and seeing each other now and then, but anti-marriage, anti-living together and anti-anything that wasn’t all about my daughter.
And then, although I couldn’t have recognized it, I became where PH says she is (above). I started to be open to the idea, B was older and I had more time. And then, yep, you guessed it…my current husband came back around and this time…I did not let him leave.
It’s all a process and I think you will find the man who fits just so, into yours and Shiloh’s lives and it will all just seem “right”. But your mind needs to go through all the right stages first. I will say, I became a lot closer to God through all of this. And I still love my daughter more than I will ever, ever love anyone or anything else.
April 21, 2009 at 11:27 am
[...] 2009 April 21 by pisceshanna I was reading Jenn’s post about why she’s not interested in dating and thought about my little social experience last [...]
April 23, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Just wanted to say that you and Shiloh are in my prayers!
April 29, 2009 at 1:42 pm
“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.”
Wow! Sorry I just got around to reading this but that is a great quote!
May 14, 2009 at 9:28 am
You’re doing what’s right for you. That quote i like it. It has a lot of meaning. Keep up the good work!