So I should be in bed right now. (What’s new, right?) But I had to write this down before the moment passed.
Tonight I was getting ready for bed, brushing my teeth, washing my face, etc. I was thinking about a blog post that I want to write on humorous things about being single. As I was mentally going through the post, somehow the thought went through my head that I’ll probably never remarry because I don’t believe that there is anyone out there, that’s right for me, that I can trust enough to take the chance. Then I heard…
“You don’t trust Me.”
Yeah God, I trust you. It’s the men I don’t trust. You give us free will and they choose to do some pretty crappy (Yeah, I say things like “crap” when I’m praying. Is that bad? Is it okay? I don’t know, but I figure He hears me all the other times I say it, so why pretend to be different when I’m talking to Him? I’m not saying this is the way it should be, just being honest.) things sometimes. I have to worry about Shiloh now and it’s not worth the risk…
“You don’t trust Me.”
Okay, so not exactly profound, I know. I have trust issues. Who would have guessed? But it was kind of profound to me. Because I was just going about my normal routine, not even praying or thinking about God at all, and I feel like He showed me the problem underneath the problem. (If that makes any sense.)
Once I shut up and started actually listening, God showed me that the reason you’ll never hear me say I want to find someone is because I’m afraid. I’ve talked before about my fear that I’ll fall for the wrong guy, so that’s old news. What God showed is that it really isn’t the men I have a problem with. It’s God.
I don’t trust God enough to believe that He might actually want the best for me and Shiloh. That He might actually bring a man into our lives that wouldn’t hurt us. That it’s possible for me to have a good marriage, even though I look around and see so many bad ones.
It’s like I’ve been saying, “God, I believe you can do anything, but I don’t believe You can be trusted with bringing the right man into my life. So I’m just going to choose to never marry again, even if You physically appear in front of me and give me the name and address and credit score of someone.” (Slight exaggeration.)
So, does this mean that God told me that I will remarry someday? No. I don’t have any idea if I’ll marry again, or if I’ll be single the rest of my life. And I’m certainly not going to start looking. My feelings haven’t changed about that. I don’t feel like that’s really the issue right now.
For now I think I have to learn to trust God. I have to realize that He knows the future and I don’t have to. I have to realize that, if I listen to Him, He will let me know if I’m going the wrong way. I have to let go of some of my cynicism (that I like to call being a “realist”) and believe that good things do happen. And that I’m worth it.
That’s another issue in itself. I have an extremely hard time believing that anyone would be interested in me. I’m damaged goods. I’m divorced. I have a child (who I don’t regret for a second). I have too much drama. Too ugly of a past. This is how I see myself. (I know that many of you will argue that I’m wrong, and that single moms are awesome, etc. And I would agree with you. I don’t see all single mothers this way. Just me.)
Here’s what I learned about myself. There is a part of me that wants to remarry someday. I’m okay single. I even enjoy it sometimes. But I get lonely too. I’m okay with being single until I look at the rest of my life. Then the thought of always being alone scares me. But so does marriage.
The biggest reason I have always said that I’ll never remarry is because of fear. Fear that I’ll pick the wrong guy again. Fear for Shiloh’s safety. Fear about everything. Pick something, anything, marriage related and it probably scares me. So it isn’t the fact that I don’t want to ever find someone, I just don’t believe it’s possible. I’m not trusting God.
So now I will learn to give it all to God. Probably daily for awhile, because it’s going to be hard for me to let go of. But I’m going to learn to trust again. I’ll still be smart. I’m never going to blindly trust everyone. Sorry, I’ve seen too much. But I’m going to trust God. And I’m going to trust that IF He has a guy for me, that He will help me to trust him, and that the guy will be worthy of that trust.
Am I ready to date now? No. Am I interested in anyone? No. If someone asked me out in the near future, would I say yes? Unless there is an angel standing behind the guy, nodding, then… no. Am I ready for people to try setting me up on dates? No. Will I ever be ready for any of this? I don’t know…
I was talking to friend a few days ago, and the subject of dating came up. He told me that he isn’t really ready to date anyone right now, because he’s just too busy. I told him I felt the same way, for different reasons of course. He said something like, “Well, I guess if the right person ever comes around for either one of us, God will just have to hit us over the head to get our attention.”
That’s how I feel at this point. I’m going to learn from the things God’s showing me. And go from there. If I try to start “looking” for someone, I’ll get desperate and go for the wrong person again. I’m going to continue being (mostly) happy being single, until I feel differently. That’s where I’m at.
12 Comments
June 3, 2009 at 6:52 am
Trust is a tough thing and I don’t even know your full history. I think it’s awesome that you are hearing from God though and if I had to guess, I think He’s starting some great groundwork for you. I know for myself, He had me work through a LOT of things, including trust issues with Him and with others, before He brought my fabulous husband into my life. I’m sure God has great plans for you, in His awesome time!
I’ll be praying for you both too!
June 3, 2009 at 8:04 am
My first reaction is (on a friend level, of course) Girl, of course you would date!! I would drive X amount of miles and help you get ready!!– pick out the “just right” outfit, do your hair, make sure your make-up was perfect!!
BUT…. I am not in your shoes nor do I have any idea what you are going through.
I just want ya happy, girl.
June 3, 2009 at 7:55 pm
You’re too sweet. Your comments always make me smile. I guess IF I ever go on a date, I’ll have to email you pictures first and have you help pick my outfit. Haha. But don’t hold your breath… I don’t think it will be anytime soon.
June 3, 2009 at 9:26 am
“I’m damaged goods.”
i can’t even count the number of times i’ve thought this . . . not to mention the number of different ways i’ve acted it out . . .
Sometimes i think i actually sabotage situations to let a guy know that i’m a big ol’ mess and he’s is STEPPING. IN. IT.
On the one hand, i’m totally fine with who i am . . . like who i am . . . am in awe of God’s creation and artwork in me . . . and on the other hand, i punish myself over and over for “my bad choices” and “my blindness” (even though, as you know, so much of it was actually the wasband and not so much me) . . . and your post made me realize that maybe part of the way that i continue to punish myself . . . is to remind myself how undesirable i really feel/think that i am . . . even if i sometimes do it unconsciously . . .
June 3, 2009 at 7:59 pm
You do such a good job of explaining what I’m feeling. Because, while I feel like “damaged goods”, I also am fine with me most of the time. I’m happy most of the time and like who I am (minus a few pounds maybe). And just like you, I punish myself over my bad choices (and just like you, alot of it was the ex).
I’m sorry you feel this way, but I’m glad someone else can understand. Maybe we can both learn from this.
June 3, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Jenn – this is a beautiful post. I think you have your answer. I’ve found that often things happen when you’re not expecting them to.
June 3, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Awesome conversation with God – thanks for sharing.
Although when I was single, I didn’t have the extra “weight” of being a parent too, I can relate to so much of what you said in this post. For so many years I used the excuse of I’m too busy, when what I really meant was “I’m afraid.”
I’ve learned more about trusting God since becoming a mom. I pray that God helps your trust in Him to grow too! Hugs!
June 4, 2009 at 12:48 pm
[...] Jump to Comments I had a blow to my already low self-esteem today. Remember this post a few days ago? I mentioned that I feel like “damaged goods” sometimes. Well, [...]
June 4, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Funny you talk about fear that you’ll pick another bad husband. I fear that I am damaged goods and that I will never meet a woman interested in me. But it is not that I fear them being a bad wife, just me being a bad husband. Weird, right?? But don’t fret Jenn , because in a way youare right to be afraid. There are plenty of wolves in sheeps clothing, right?? Narrow and hidden is the path and door, right?? Finding the right guy should be hard because the majority of people out there are not living right (me included for I am a sinner….and boy how). I’m not saying give up, just don’t geet rushed.
June 4, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Right on! You had an epiphany
You can do it!
June 9, 2009 at 12:06 am
This is where you’re at in life right now, Jenn. God knows, He understand, He accepts and He is within you to help you get to where one day you can believe in yourself and see what He sees.
I don’t want to give any more cliches or mumbo-jumbo or psycho-babble because I hate receiving it myself.
Like I said in my other comment, you are in a healing process right now. There is so much that you need to have shed from you…dross, rust, the remains of the chrysalis. But YOU yourself don’t make that happen. You rest in Him and He will hold you through it all.
You are amazing. No one can do to you what He can.
June 18, 2009 at 1:50 am
This is so great! Not the struggling part, but the conversation with God part. I love to hear how He speaks to others. It makes it so much more real to me. I’m not sure why I still have bits of ‘unreal’ feelings, but I do. And He also knows that. But what I really appreciate is the CONVERSATION that you can have with Him. I kinda get this feeling like He’s ‘over there’ somewhere and I shouldn’t bother Him. Or He’s not listening. I know in my head this is not true. But this is where I have some heart strings that need to be restrung. :O) All of us works in progress. :O)