I think God has a sense of humor. How else can you explain the fact that I just happen to run into my ex-boyfriend at the social security office (I was there to get mine and Shiloh’s last names changed), when there is a long wait and I can’t escape with a quick hi? Now this could be interpretted as God having a cruel sense of humor, but that’s not how I mean it. I found it extremely funny. I have no feelings, good or bad, for him. It’s been ten years since we split up. I’ve changed so much since then.
It was really weird though. Jamie and I dated for about two years, from the time I was sixteen, until I turned eighteen. (He was five years older than me, if I remember correctly.) He was my first boyfriend and the only other guy I dated, except for my ex-husband. (And if you’re thinking that I must have horrible insticts when it comes to men, you’re right, and that’s why I’m still not dating now. Look at my track record.) He treated me terribly back then, but I let him so I don’t hold a grudge now. I was young, and insecure, and he made me think that no one else would ever want me. I believed him.
Now I look at him and realize how awesome my life is. I talked to him and his cousin, Jason, for at least thirty minutes. About our families and old friends. It only took a minute to see that he’s still the same Jamie. He started complaining about everything. That was a big problem with him. He was never happy and it was always someone else’s fault. He couldn’t take responsibility for himself and he was extremely negative. The funny thing is, Jamie was going on and on about his problems and I was trying to be kind and sympathize, and Jason looked at me and gave a little wink. Kind of a ‘yeah, same old thing’ wink. It almost made me laugh.
I left the social security office feeling good about myself. Not good because my life is better than his, and I’ve won in some way. By most people’s standards, his life is better than mine. He has a wife and three kids. I’m a single mom. But I felt good because I was reminded that I’m not who I used to be. That no matter my circumstances, I’m stronger than I used to be. I might worry about dating someone like my ex-husband again, because he was deceptive and I didn’t know who he really was, but I’ll never worry about being with someone like Jamie again. I’m smarter than that now. Any man that thinks they need me in order to be happy, or a certain job to be happy, or whatever to be happy isn’t worth it to me. If they can’t learn to be happy on their own, I seriously doubt they’ll ever get there. And I would have no use for a man that talks to me the way Jamie used to. The old (and possibly current) Jamie and the “new” me would probably kill each other.
**********
As if that wasn’t enough “ghosts” for one day, I just went out and checked the mail, and there was a letter from my ex-husband, Ed. I never received a letter from him after he was served the papers for the termination, so I was hoping that I wouldn’t hear from him again. Should have known he wouldn’t let that happen.
Oh, did I mention it was a TEN PAGE letter?!
I almost chose not to read it tonight, so I wouldn’t ruin my evening, but I was too curious. Pretty much it was him laying a big guilt trip on me. How shocked he was when I divorced him, because he never thought I would do that. (And how God doesn’t condone it.) How wrong of me it is to take Shiloh away from him. (Even though he’s in prison, and how wrong would it be for her to be exposed to that situation all the time?) And then he told me that if I ever find someone else, I should do the guy a favor and never make any promises to him, because all men are human and I obviously can’t keep the promises I make since I divorced him for one (haha) mistake.
To most of you, this might seem like an easy letter to write off as nothing. But he knows that I’m good at feeling guilty. And he worded everything in such a way as to make himself sound like the kind one who was forgiving me. And maybe that’s what he believes, I don’t know. I just know it did make me feel guilty. It made me question my decisions. Not because I still have feelings for him – I don’t - but because I worry if everything I did was out of selfish reasons, or pure ones?
I prayed for two years before I divorced him. I struggled with it because I don’t like divorce. But I made the decision to go through with it for mine and Shiloh’s sake, and I felt like it was God’s Will (for this situation) also. Was I wrong? Should I have played martyr and stayed married to a man that I not only didn’t love, but couldn’t trust? I don’t know… I still feel like I did the right thing, not just for me (it’s not like I’m even dating), but also for Shiloh.
But now that doubt is there. I’m not so worried about what Ed thinks, but I want to be right before God. I don’t want to do what I want to do, and then call it God’s Will. I don’t think that’s what I did, but now I’m not sure…
22 Comments
June 22, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Oh, and btw, I realize that I’ve been a bad blogger the last few weeks. I’ve been busy or distracted lately. I’ll do better, I promise.
June 22, 2009 at 8:27 pm
Yay for this post! Not only have I been dying to know the update on your life, but this was so satisfying to read. I understand how you feel when seeing your ex. Everytime I see Roofie, I get such a deep sense of….I don’t know….you said it right- Gladness that I’m NOT who I used to be.
Kicking those feelings of guilt has to be one of the hardest things for us moms to figure out. Baby steps. You are doing such a fantastic job!
I’m totally your single mom cheerleader, as if you couldn’t tell,
June 22, 2009 at 9:57 pm
And I’m thankful for all my cheerleaders.
June 22, 2009 at 8:43 pm
I have actually not seen my ex-boyfriend since I broke up with him…I imagine it would be terrible awkward!
I suppose if you are feeling uncertain about your actions in the divorce, your pastor could give you some Biblical advice…
June 22, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Yeah, I talked to my pastor and his wife before I went through with the divorce, and they supported my decision, but I might talk to them tomorrow when I see them.
June 22, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Do not beat yourself up about this…that was exactly his intent. I don’t know the whole situation of course, but the very fact that he’s in PRISON is a good indicator to me that you did the right thing.
HE is the one who should be ashamed. Hold your head high.
June 22, 2009 at 9:58 pm
Yeah, pretty sure that was his intent, but I’m so good at feeling guilty.
Feeling better now though. I think just putting it all in words helped.
June 22, 2009 at 9:28 pm
Yeah, when my ex had suspicions that I was leaving (and who wouldn’t when you do what he did) He started in on me with the whole, you can’t get remarried it’s adultery, you would be in the wrong since it’d be you leaving….blah, blah blah! I knew what I did wasn’t exactly God’s plan, but His plans didn’t include men being abusive either. Don’t worry about it. I’d get rid of the letter, it was written to make you feel guilty. It’s manipulation and the worst thing and a gal at church said this the other day (I cried…and I don’t cry) She said that she hated thinking that she left a manipulative controlling relationship, just to allow him to control her and he didn’t even live with her. Don’t let him do that to you. Don’t give him that stronghold over you.
And as far as the ex-boyfriend…sounds like it was a God thing! I mean what are the odds? And God gave you peace and confidence through that visit. YAY!
Good to see a little something from you again!
June 22, 2009 at 9:33 pm
“I had a feeling that was going to happen”???? How did you refrain from smacking him…..when you healed of course.
June 22, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Self control. haha
June 22, 2009 at 10:53 pm
Wow! I am sure you had a mixture of emotions going on lately, huh??
I am glad you were able to walk away feeling great with your head held high. You are right. God DOES have a sense of humor.
June 23, 2009 at 12:18 am
I will pray for you and over you that this…feeling,this presence of guilt…will leave. For you are not meant to feel that.
Seeing exes and realizing how far WE’VE come, however? Priceless.
June 23, 2009 at 12:20 am
I don’t have much experience in this area, but it strikes me that if being ’selfish’ actually puts and keeps yourself and your baby in a safer, healthier environment and life, then you go right ahead and be selfish.
June 23, 2009 at 6:06 am
You and Shiloh are in a much better place. You did what you had to do – to protect each other. I totally get you on the guilt thing though – guilt’s a hard feeling to overcome however all you need to do is look at your baby girl and know she is happy and safe.
June 23, 2009 at 10:15 am
Jenn-
There is no guilt for you – you are forgiven, regardless of what you have or have not done. i, personally, believe that God would never intend for you and Shiloh to have stayed in the situation in which you were. NEVER. Your ex is totally teaming up with satan to pull God’s love, forgiveness, care, joy and acceptance out from under you. Recognize it for what it is, and laugh at his old, used up (and pathetic) attempts at putting his faults off onto you. *HUGS*
June 23, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Praying for something about two years and then finding peace with your decision is not something you should feel guilty about. Even though God gave me peace about my decisions, my ex could still stir stuff up. They (unhealthy exs) know what they are doing, they know the phrases and words to use, they know how to manipulate you.
God doesn’t like divorce. And if you had asked for divorce because you had “grown apart” that would be one thing. That IS NOT your case, there are concrete reasons to divorce and severe parental rights. And the best part is, Shiloh still has the best Father any child could ask for.
June 23, 2009 at 1:08 pm
girl – toss that letter out! You should not have even opened it! You did what God would want . . . to be happy and healthy . . . you know this is true. Don’t doubt this. You need to stay strong to teach little Shiloh about being a strong woman!
June 23, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Run the letter through the shredder , burn parts of it and send it back to him. You might even use it to line the gerbil cage or something of that nature first. You sound as if you have moved gloriously on, both from him and from the ex-boyfriend. Why look back and second guess now. Sure the path is a little uphill, but it won’t be long before you top it and start to pick up speed.
I can never go back down the path I was walking, just not an option. But I won’t sit on the side of the road and watch, I will chose a new direction and move right along. I am lucky that my kids get to travel with me for parts of the journey.
Faith in yourself.
June 24, 2009 at 11:59 am
Don’t you love it when the past comes back for a day? I had that happen not too long ago myself. I’m totally glad you wrote (like I’m one to talk, I haven’t updated in a month =)
I think you definitely did the right thing. You didn’t just toss in the towel in your marriage at the first sign of struggle…you prayed and thought about it before you leapt.
You and Shiloh have a good life now. You are doing the best to protect your child. You are a rockin’ mom. Besides, if he would’ve been honest and who you thought he was, then he wouldn’t be in jail to start with.
You are a great person Jenn and you always have Shiloh’s best interests at heart. I know you did the right thing =D
June 24, 2009 at 2:27 pm
You know I don’t know your situation or anything. Or your past. But don’t feel guilty. You and Shiloh need to be safe, and need to be taken care of. Don’t let your ex-husband bring you down.. you are better than him.
June 24, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Hey Jenn,
Sometimes writing it all out helps heal the soul. You expected this (although the letter was late in coming) if you ever heard from him. Stay strong, and know that we are on your side. None of this has caught God unaware. Moving forward has hurdles at times. Jump over this one and keep moving forward.
June 25, 2009 at 10:05 am
Jenn, don’t let him make you question yourself. He is manipulating. You did the right thing, for you and more importantly, for Shiloh.
*hugs*