5 Years After My World Fell Apart

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 was an ordinary day for me. I went to work like every day, came home and cooked dinner, and then watched a movie with my husband.

On April 5, 2006 I was 25 years old and had been married 5 1/2 years. We had a house and 2 cars. We had a flower garden and had just planted a magnolia tree. 

On April 5, 2006 I was 4 months pregnant and we had just painted nursery green because I couldn’t wait another week to find out the sex of the baby. I decided I would paint pink and yellow stripes with the green if it was a girl, and blue stripes if it was a boy.

On April 5, 2006 my biggest worry was how to convince husband to let me stay home with baby. I really wanted to be a stay at home mom because I couldn’t imagine leaving my 6 week old baby with strangers all day.

On April 5, 2006 my future looked bright. I was happily married, my husband was a well-respected paramedic and he was starting nursing school that fall. We had good friends and went to a great church. We looked like the perfect young, Christian couple.

On Thursday, April 6, 2006 my whole world fell apart.

On Thursday, April 6, 2006 I lost my husband, my dreams, my future, and all sense of security. In the weeks that followed I also lost my home (I was able to rent it out until I could sell it), the nicer car (had to sell it and keep the cheaper one), and many of my possessions (sold them).

On April 6, 2006 the world suddenly became a dark and ugly place. After 5 1/2 years of marriage, I found out that my husband was a stranger to me.

The small town where we lived, and the wonderful church we went to, where everyone knew everyone, made me want to hide from the world. Everyone knew every detail of a life that I hadn’t even known about the day before. And in the midst of losing so much, I was also very ashamed. The shame should have been my husband’s, not mine, but he was my husband and I felt that shame.

I felt like there was nothing left for me to live for. I wasn’t suicidal, but I wanted to die. I felt like my life would never be good or happy again. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to make it on my own. I couldn’t raise a baby alone. I didn’t make enough money to survive on my own. I didn’t even know who I was without my husband. My identity was too wrapped up in him. I relied on him way too much and I didn’t think I could survive on my own.

On Wednesday, April 6, 2011 I woke up and the sun was shining. The birds were singing. Shiloh was snuggled in the bed next to me, noisily sucking her thumb. I had places to go and things to do. I rushed Shiloh to preschool so I could head to class myself. 

On April 6, 2011 I gave a 7 minute presentation in my Exceptional Child Development class (and made an A on it). After class I managed to cook a healthy dinner and still get Shiloh to the park in time for her baseball game.   

On April 6, 2011 I watched my 4 1/2-year-old little girl hit the ball without using a tee for the first time. Then I laughed when she decided to skip between 3rd base and home, instead of running.

On April 6, 2011, even with my busy day, I just kept thinking about how good God is. I kept thinking about how blessed I really am.

This is part of what I wrote in my journal on April 6, 2011:

“Five years ago today my whole world came crashing down around me. I didn’t think life would ever be good again… but it is. Today was a beautiful day and all day long I just felt so thankful for all that God has done.”

Five years ago, I wouldn’t have believed you if you told me that I could juggle work, Shiloh, baseball games, dance classes, church, cooking, cleaning, and everything else. I wouldn’t have believed that I would ever be able to stand in front of a room full of people and give a 7 minute presentation (I still don’t like it, but I can do it). I would have thought that I would be incredibly lonely watching my daughter play ball without a husband sitting next to me. Five years ago I would have been wrong.

I have been through a lot of stuff over the last 5 years.

• I lost almost everything (as described already).
• My husband went to prison.
• My husband told me that on top of everything else that had happened, there had also been other women.
• I became a single mom.
• I went back to work 6 weeks after giving birth and had to trust strangers to take care of my tiny baby.
• After 2 years of serious prayer and some Godly counsel, I divorced my husband. (That is a post on its own, but it was not an easy decision for me because I don’t like divorce, but I felt like it was more important to keep my daughter safe.)
• A year after my divorce, I sued to take away my ex’s parental rights, and won. (Again, for my daughter’s safety.)
• I went back to college.
• I left my job of 6 years.

And these are just some of the big things. My emotional journey has been pretty crazy as well. In the beginning, I was just numb. Going though the motions. That lasted for a while, and during that time, I couldn’t even pray. Not even because I was angry at God (I’m surprised I didn’t get angry at Him, but I didn’t), but because I just couldn’t let myself think about anything long enough to pray about it. But the cool part is, through that time of shock and numbness, I could feel God’s presence with me all the time. And it was very comforting.

Things got better of course, but then I got to a point where I was fearful of everyone and everything. I was constantly afraid something would happen to Shiloh. I felt like I was always waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I decided I would never marry again because I would never be able to trust someone. I thought I was already healed and that this was just the new me, but God was still working.

The healing came a little at a time for me – it wasn’t instant like I would have liked. But God was with me through all of it, and His timing was, and is, perfect.

Now, 5 years later, I realize that all men are not like my ex. I haven’t actually tested this, since I’ve been pretty busy the last 5 years and haven’t dated, but I feel like I could trust someone now. A couple of years ago, I even realized that while I thought it was men I didn’t trust, it was actually God that I wasn’t trusting. I’m not living in fear anymore, although I have my moments now and then. 5 years after losing almost everything, I finally have the desire to remarry. There are things I miss about marriage. I don’t know if it will ever happen, but I kind of hope it will. And the thought is scary to me, but I know that God has brought me this far and I can trust Him with my future also.

I never thought I could be this happy and blessed right where I am. This doesn’t mean life is perfect, and it doesn’t mean I don’t have my freak outs now and then about the future or whatever else (hey, I’m still human), but life is good. Really good. I still have dreams that haven’t happened yet, and I am not content to stay where I am forever, but I am okay with where I am right now – for now.

For a long time after that awful day, I felt like a victim. And worse, I felt like everyone saw me as a victim. So I worked really hard to be strong, but no matter how strong I was, I still felt like a victim. I’m not sure when it changed for me, but I don’t feel like a victim anymore. I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor.

I’m not who I was 5 years ago, but that’s okay. I’m older and wiser and less naïve than I used to be, but I don’t think those are exactly bad things. I get lonely sometimes, but I know how to handle it now. I have lost some of my innocence. The world is a darker place than I ever used to think it was. But that makes me appreciate the beauty even more. And it makes me that much more aware of God’s grace, even in the midst of all the ugliness.  

I planned on writing this post on April 6th or at least somewhere close to it, but I got busy with life and it didn’t happen. I still wanted to share some of what God has brought me through, so I decided to write this, even though it is much later than planned. I’m sorry this post was so long, but I had a hard time editing it. I wasn’t sure what to post and what to delete. So here it is.

Oh, and I know I said I was going to post this on Monday, but I didn’t specify a time… and even though it is technically Tuesday now, I haven’t been to bed yet, so I’m still considering it Monday. 

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