All That Worry For Nothing

For the last five and a half years I have worried and prayed and then worried again. And last Monday the moment that I’ve been dreading happened…

Shiloh asked me about her dad and the usual “He’s gone and he isn’t coming back” wasn’t enough for her. She kept asking questions.

“But where did he go?”

“Is he dead?”

“Can I go visit him?”

“What’s his name?”

Part of me wanted to just ignore her but I felt like the moment was right. I didn’t want to hide the truth from Shiloh for so long that everything was a big shock to her later on. But I also didn’t want to tell her more than her little 5-year-old brain could process.

(For the grown-up version of my story, you can go here.)

I sat down with Shiloh and I told her that her dad made some bad choices and he is in prison. Of course she asked what he did, but I just told her that I’m not going to tell her that right now, but he made bad decisions and that’s enough for her to know.

She seemed to accept it, almost too easily. She was fine. No tears or anything. She acted almost happy. Maybe she was just glad to connect the missing pieces in her mind. I don’t know.

A minute later, after she processed things, she came back to me and asked, “Did he try to kill me?”

She was so matter-of-fact about it that I almost laughed. (I kept the laugh inside, I swear.)

I assured her that he did not try to kill her or hurt her in any way. I explained that he went to prison before she was born.

I also took a few minutes to explain to Shiloh that she can always ask me questions but it might be better to keep this private. I told her not to talk to her friends about her dad because they might not understand. She agreed.

I know she has conversations with school friends about not having a dad, so I wanted to prepare her ahead of time. I told her that it’s okay to still tell her friends that she doesn’t have a dad because that is the truth. I also told her that if her friends keep asking her questions she can tell them that her dad went away before she was born and he isn’t coming back.

I explained divorce in the most simple terms that I could and I told her that when we got divorced, they made a “rule” (talking to a 5-year-old, remember) that he isn’t her dad anymore. I told her that the only way she will have a dad is if I get married again. And I explained to her that I don’t know if I will remarry or not. I told her it depends on what God has planned for us.

After this conversation that I have lost sleep over since before she was born, she simply asked, “Hey Mom, can I watch Dora before dinner?”

I know there will be more questions in the future, but I’m so relieved that this conversation went as well as it did. I honestly expected her to be upset. Obviously God has it under control. Now I need to learn to give my problems to Him and then quit worrying about them.

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