photo credit: westchestermagazine.com

I told myself I would blog more regularly even when school gets crazy. So here I am blogging.

I was smart enough to start several posts months ago when I was feeling inspired. I was also stupid enough to not finish them at that time and now I’m not inspired to finish anything.

I’m still blogging because I said I would. But after my weekend of crazy school stress (a hair-pulling story for another day) and too much family time (Shiloh turns into a brat when my parents visit for some reason), I don’t have anything to say. So I’m going to leave you with a quote that I find amusing.

It isn’t inspirational or spiritual or anything, but I like it. I think I like it because it fits me. It would probably apply to most people.

“If my former self and my current self met for coffee, they’d get along OK, but they’d both probably walk out of Starbucks shaking their heads and saying to themselves, ‘That guy is kinda delusional.’” – A.J. Jacobs

Okay readers, help me out here. Can you make up for my lack of inspiration today?
If your former and current self met for coffee, what would the reaction be?

• I started my second semester in the education program today. (Which is part of the reason I’ve had no sleep. I had tons of homework to do BEFORE my first class.) I feel good about the semester. Today wasn’t nearly as overwhelming as the beginning of last semester was. Oh, and I think I’m going to love my technology class.  I’m such a nerd.
• I. Am. An. Idiot. I wish I was wise enough to NOT stick my foot in my mouth, but sadly that is not the case. At least I’m old enough to not stress about it too much. A little bit… but not too much.
• Today I found out that I am three years older than my technology professor. And on top of that, he has been teaching for seven years and has a Ph.D. So not only am I older than my pastor, but also my professor. I think I am officially old now. (At least I don’t have any gray hairs.)
• I really need to stop just throwing a coat over my pajamas when I take Shiloh to school in the morning. It’s going to be awkward when I get a flat tire or something and actually have to get out of my car.
• God keeps reminding me about love lately. That is something I’m not always (okay I’m just not) good at. I’m trying to learn to look past what I see and just love people anyway. I am constantly reminded that I don’t know where people are coming from. I deserve to be judged more than most, and yet people have shown me love. I need to do the same.
• The pick-up line at Shiloh’s school makes it very difficult for me to love people. I want to throw things when parents cut in line after I’ve waited patiently for thirty minutes. I can’t swear that it’s God’s love that keeps me calm when this happens. I think it’s the fact that I know my daughter is probably best friends with their kid and that would make for an awkward situation in the future. (I seem to create enough awkward situations without throwing things.) Just being honest.

It was a difficult post for me to write because once I started, I didn’t know where to stop. There was more to my experience than I realized. I actually learned a few things about myself and my faith while researching and writing this post. Okay now, go – read it!

I hope to see you over there.

Just last week I learned about a conversation that took place while we were at the movie.

Jen’s mom said that Shiloh was whispering to her 2 1/2-year-old cousin Noelle. Then she looked up at her and said very seriously, “I’m just telling her all the bad words that I know so she won’t say them.”

Until now I thought Shiloh was usually a good influence on her cousins. Haha!

I can’t tell you what the “bad” words were. They could be as simple as “stupid” (she occasionally has to scold me for using that one) or as bad as anything you can think of. She’s in school now, so I’m sure she’s heard a few real “bad” words whispered on the playground.

In Shiloh’s defense, she was trying to tell Noelle not to say the “bad” words. What can you do?    

Shiloh asked me about her dad and the usual “He’s gone and he isn’t coming back” wasn’t enough for her. She kept asking questions.

“But where did he go?”

“Is he dead?”

“Can I go visit him?”

“What’s his name?”

Part of me wanted to just ignore her but I felt like the moment was right. I didn’t want to hide the truth from Shiloh for so long that everything was a big shock to her later on. But I also didn’t want to tell her more than her little 5-year-old brain could process.

(For the grown-up version of my story, you can go here.)

I sat down with Shiloh and I told her that her dad made some bad choices and he is in prison. Of course she asked what he did, but I just told her that I’m not going to tell her that right now, but he made bad decisions and that’s enough for her to know.

She seemed to accept it, almost too easily. She was fine. No tears or anything. She acted almost happy. Maybe she was just glad to connect the missing pieces in her mind. I don’t know.

A minute later, after she processed things, she came back to me and asked, “Did he try to kill me?”

She was so matter-of-fact about it that I almost laughed. (I kept the laugh inside, I swear.)

I assured her that he did not try to kill her or hurt her in any way. I explained that he went to prison before she was born.

I also took a few minutes to explain to Shiloh that she can always ask me questions but it might be better to keep this private. I told her not to talk to her friends about her dad because they might not understand. She agreed.

I know she has conversations with school friends about not having a dad, so I wanted to prepare her ahead of time. I told her that it’s okay to still tell her friends that she doesn’t have a dad because that is the truth. I also told her that if her friends keep asking her questions she can tell them that her dad went away before she was born and he isn’t coming back.

I explained divorce in the most simple terms that I could and I told her that when we got divorced, they made a “rule” (talking to a 5-year-old, remember) that he isn’t her dad anymore. I told her that the only way she will have a dad is if I get married again. And I explained to her that I don’t know if I will remarry or not. I told her it depends on what God has planned for us.

After this conversation that I have lost sleep over since before she was born, she simply asked, “Hey Mom, can I watch Dora before dinner?”

I know there will be more questions in the future, but I’m so relieved that this conversation went as well as it did. I honestly expected her to be upset. Obviously God has it under control. Now I need to learn to give my problems to Him and then quit worrying about them.

So instead of blogging and cleaning and doing all the things I planned on doing, I’ve been reading, drinking coffee, sleeping late (sometimes - not everyday), and just generally relaxing. Then I feel guilty and go into my crazy cleaning mode for a day so that I can sit down and read the next day without feeling bad.

I’ve also had more time with Shiloh in the afternoon when I pick her up from school, so that has been nice.

After the holidays I had a few days where I felt a little down. Maybe that’s normal after going from parties and family to nothing. I’m not sure. But the house was so quiet after Shiloh went back to school, and I realized how alone I am.

It’s funny, I’ve been single for 5 1/2 years, but it’s not very often that I realize how truly alone I am. I’m usually reminded of it when life slows down. I guess when things are busy I just don’t have time to think about it.

Most of the time I’m fine being single. But when life quiets down I start to realize that this might be forever. I just can’t imagine myself still single forty years from now. So I’m trying to take this a day at a time and trust that if God’s plan is for me to stay single, I’ll be fine with it even when Shiloh is grown up with a family of her own.

But that isn’t what I want. I don’t want to be alone. (I’m just being honest here.) But I also don’t want to become one of those desperate women that is constantly thinking about marriage and isn’t happy without someone. I don’t want to put my life on hold until I get out of school, or until I get married, or until whatever. I want to live it and enjoy it now.

So I’m going to keep going the direction I’m going and see where God takes me. I probably need to make a bunch of plans for this summer though, because if a few weeks off between semesters made me incredibly lonely, I can’t imagine what an entire summer off will do.

This will be the first time that I will be completely free all summer since I was a teenager. No summer classes (yay!), no reason to find a job since I would pay more in child care than I would probably make at a temporary job. It’s going to be great – or lonely. Maybe both. But I’m going to try to make the best of it.

The good thing is, last week when I was feeling all lonely and sad (this week I’m not lonely - just lazy), it wasn’t like it used to be. In the early days of me being single, the loneliness was overwhelming. It was horrible. Now when I feel it, and that isn’t very often, it’s not so bad. I feel it, but I also know that it will pass and I’ll be fine. So instead of trying to run from it like I used to, I just acknowledge it and let myself wallow in it for a little while, and then I get on with my life. That’s all I know to do. Oh, and then I go to a friend’s house or email my sister and complain about it for a little while. That always helps. 

So maybe that’s another reason that I didn’t blog last week. My posts would have been all sad and depressing. I’m still being real about the loneliness, but honestly life is pretty good. I choose to be happy. And I have so much to be thankful for.

Come back tomorrow. I’m going to write a post about something that I’ve been worrying about for years. This thing that I’ve lost so much sleep over happened, and it wasn’t at all what I expected. Details tomorrow.

This is the time of year where so many people start thinking about New Year’s resolutions.

I’m a list maker. I usually tend to make a bunch of New Year’s resolutions and then I rarely follow through. This year I’m trying to do things a bit differently.

I’m making goals (yeah, different word, same concept – shut-up!) but I’m trying to keep them short-term.

Right now I’m just thinking about January. And most of my “goals” are things that will help me stay sane when I start school again on the 18th. Things like getting more organized so I don’t feel more pressure than I already will.

I’m trying to make a home organization notebook. Just something customized for me so I can find everything in one place. I’m going to use it for Shiloh’s school schedule, my school schedule, doctor appointments, meetings, projects, and things like that.

I just think it would be good to have everything in one place instead of searching through piles of papers for my school schedule, or Shiloh’s soccer schedule, or Shiloh’s dance schedule, or whatever. You get the idea.

I also have some exercise and clean eating goals and I do want to read the whole Bible again this year. I’ve done it in the past, but it’s been awhile since I’ve read all the way through it.

So I kind of have resolutions this year, but I’m not calling them resolutions.

Do you make New Year’s resolutions? Why or why not?

As a mom, traditions mean more to me now than they did in my pre-mommy years.

Shiloh is five years old and I still feel like I’m just now figuring out how to do the whole Christmas thing.

I don’t have any childhood Christmas memories or traditions to look back on because my family didn’t celebrate Christmas. (Another story for another day. We went to a weird, very controlling church when I was young.) My parents do celebrate Christmas now, but they didn’t start until I was in my mid to late teens.

I want Christmas to be fun for Shiloh. I want her to enjoy the “magic” of the season while she is still young enough for it to be magical. I want her to enjoy the love of family and friends. I want her to have a giving spirit. And most of all I want her to remember that we celebrate Christmas because of Jesus.

Santa is fun and I don’t really have a problem with him. Shiloh knows that he isn’t real, but we agree that it’s fun to pretend. (I’ll go into my opinions on Santa in another post.)

Here are some of the traditions that I try to make a part of each Christmas season. Some are obviously spiritual, and some are just fun:

• On Christmas Eve Shiloh gets to open one present that consists of new pajamas and slippers for her to wear to bed that night. Here are the pjs I bought for Shiloh this year:
  I also buy myself new pajamas for Christmas Eve.

• Leading up to Christmas, I try to read Bible stories each night that focus on Christmas. This year I found a book that really helped. The book has thirty-one devotionals complete with a verse and a devotional that explains a piece of the Christmas story in more detail. It even talks about things like adoption (using the example of how Joseph wasn’t Jesus’ real dad, but he raised him as his son) and being afraid of something God wants you to do (using Mary as an example) and obeying anyway. The book is for ages 5-8 and it really helped me to prepare Shiloh’s heart for Christmas without reading the same story day after day.
• Last year my cousins bought me a wooden advent calendar to use for Shiloh. Since then I have used it to put little treats or small toys in for the month of December. Shiloh has also used it to count down the days until Christmas. Next year I want to add a verse to read together every day, along with the treat.
• Shiloh and I find someone less fortunate to give to each year. We don’t have as much money as some people, but I want to always encourage Shiloh to be thankful for what we do have. Two years ago we sent a shoebox full of toys to Samaritan’s Purse. This year I missed the deadline, but we donated a toy to a toy drive at her school. Shiloh understands that by giving to another child, that is a little bit less money I have to spend on her. Since she doesn’t have money yet, I feel like this is a way that she can actually give, because she is giving up a gift in order for someone else to have one.
• Every year Shiloh’s cousins come over and decorate cookies at our house. It results in a huge mess with sprinkles everywhere, but it is enjoyed by everyone. The kids sneak bites of cookies and the moms drink too much coffee and talk.

• This year we started a new tradition with Shiloh’s cousins. We got the kids together and let them make Christmas crafts. It was so much fun that we decided to do it every year from now on.

• Shiloh also made a gingerbread house for the first time this year. We invited her friend, Violet, from church to make one with her. I’m sure this will become a yearly thing as well. Next time I won’t wait until a week before Christmas to buy a gingerbread house though. I had to go to four stores and all I found were the miniature houses.

Shiloh and I are in Georgia, at my sister’s house, for Christmas. I plan to thoroughly enjoy my break from school and my time with family. (And then my time alone at home when we leave the family and Shiloh goes back to school before I do.)

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas full of memories and love.

Do you have any Christmas traditions?

What do you do to keep the focus of Christmas on Christ?

Life got busy and blogging got pushed to the side. Between my eight college classes this semester and all my other commitments, I haven’t had much time. And when I did have time I didn’t have much to say.

• I’ve made it through my first semester in the education program. I’m happy to say (okay brag really, but it’s my blog…) that I made seven A’s and one B this semester. The B was in Spanish II and since I still can’t speak a word of Spanish, I’m quite happy with my B.
• I’ve learned how to be a mom of a kindergartener. (I’m still a bit sad that my baby is getting so big.)
• I turned thirty-one. (I tried to say I was twenty-one, but Shiloh can count and she has a memory like an elephant, so it didn’t work.)
• I managed to study in the kitchen while strange men tore my livingroom and bedroom apart and then put them back together again (thanks to the tree that fell through my bedroom).
• And I’ve survived a pastor leaving and a new one coming in. (As treasurer that means lots of financial statements and meetings, etc.)

It has been a busy semester for me. So busy that I didn’t realize how busy I was until things slowed down. (If I wasn’t feeling so lazy, I might think of another word to use instead of using “busy” three times in a row. Nah!) Now that the semester is over, I’m having a hard time finding a routine. I’m happy for a break but I’m not sure what to do with myself. It’s hard for me to go from chaos to calm so suddenly.

Of course Christmas is less than a week away, so things can’t be that calm. But compared to what they were before, I’m finding myself with way too much free time. By the time I start getting used to this slower pace, school will start again. haha

One thing that I’m beginning to notice, now that I can breathe again, is that I’ve really slacked off on my time with God. Not time at church, but MY time alone with God. I guess this break between semesters  is a good time for me to remedy that.

I have other things I want to write about. Deeper things. But I’m struggling to find my real voice between the cynical, skeptical attitude that I so often have, and the fake, everything is perfect attitude that I absolutely hate.

I want to be real – I despise fake - but sometimes I can be too real. So I’m trying to check my attitudes and motivations before I write too much. Maybe sometimes it is better to just stay silent?

No worries, life is good right now. Very good. But every time I start to post something on facebook, twitter, or my blog, I realize that I may be doing so for the wrong reasons. So for now I’m trying to keep things simple and think before I post.

This is probably another reason why I haven’t blogged in a while. Give me some time to examine my motives and then hopefully I’ll blog about something other than my college classes or Shiloh.

For the moment, I’m finally starting to read your blogs again. And I have a few light blog posts in mind for the remainder of this month. Next year… who knows?

It has been awhile since my last edition of Conversations with Shiloh. She makes me laugh constantly. Unfortunately I often forget to write down the things she says. Thankfully I sometimes post them on Facebook so here are the ones that I recorded recently.

*****

Shiloh: “Mom why do you wear black all the time?”

(She HATES the color black, but in my defense, I was wearing a pink shirt and gray pants when she asked me this.)

I told her I just like black and she asked (very seriously), “Do your friends tease you?”

haha

*****

I told Shiloh to stop growing up so fast and she said, “I can’t! I’m not doing it, God is. I can’t make him stop it!”

*****

Shiloh was pretending to type on the computer and she turned around just as I happened to trip over one of her toys. She gave me an evil smile and said, “Oh, I’m going to put that on Facebook!”

*****

I asked Shiloh if one of her friends is older than her and she said, “Yeah, she’s fiver than me.”

*****

me (looking at a picture of Shiloh from a year ago): “You were such a little cutie! What happened?”

Shiloh: “I grewed up.”

*****

After a big fight between two of the players at a hockey game a couple of weeks ago (Yay for free tickets!), Shiloh looked at me very seriously and said, “It’s hard to fight on ice.”

*****

I asked Shiloh what her friends thought about her going to a hockey game.

She said, “I don’t know. It wasn’t my brain.”

*****

My cousin watched Shiloh this afternoon while I was in class. Every time Shiloh would do something that she thought someone might think was dangerous, like doing cartwheels or jumping off the porch, she would look up and say, “It’s okay. I can do this. I’m in kindergarten now.”

*****

Since Shiloh has been in kindergarten, she constantly comes home with random facts or vocabulary that I didn’t expect her to know yet. Tonight I was reading her a bedtime story and she got all serious and said (in her know-it-all voice), “Mom, what do you think the illustrator was trying to show us here?” as she waved her hand over the page.

I was like, “Uh… a princess castle…”

I started reading again and Shiloh was like, “I really like what the author is saying here. Who was the author again? Go back to the title page so we can see.”

I really can’t convey how funny this is unless I could show you. She has this snooty little voice when she uses her big words. It’s hilarious, but she gets mad when I laugh because she is completely serious.